F My Life Read online

  Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner, and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man-boobs against my back. FML

  Today I found out that my teacher writes descriptions next to people’s names on the class register to remind him who people are. By mistake, the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name, it said “Tubby.” FML

  Today on my way to class I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles. He proceeded to hand me one, commenting, “Here, you look like you need this.” FML

  Today I told the guy I have feelings for that I’m interested in him and asked how he feels about it. He responded, “I feel fairly neutral about that.” FML

  Today I caught one of my cats humping my huge dog while he was asleep. I’m sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

  Today I went to work dressed in my best outfit because my company was throwing a huge party. During the lunch break my boss said to me, “You really missed some party yesterday—it was great fun!” FML

  Today I went to my boyfriend’s workplace to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I watched him look at his phone and decide not to pick up. His co-worker next to him asked who was calling. He replied, “Just this fat chick I know.” FML

  Today a Girl Scout asked me to buy cookies. She looked nice, so I bought five boxes from her. She took the money and left with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that they just had rocks in them. I was scammed by a Girl Scout. FML

  Today my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day, my boss fired me, handing my company car keys and laptop to my “shadow for the day” right in front of me. My mom picked me up. FML

  Today I took my dog to the vet, and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners’ eating and behavior habits. FML

  Today my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick to work. It turned out that he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

  Today I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? “Thanks.” FML

  Today I went with the girl I love to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a “keeper,” at which she laughed and said we were “just friends.” I was going to propose to her next week. FML

  Today, for our eight-month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash, my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy. He broke up with me. FML

  Today, when we were driving to dinner, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, “Just watching the ripples.” FML

  Today I told my mom I loved her, and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

  Today my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn’t because I had a date. He told me I didn’t need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

  Today, in basketball practice, my coach put us in teams to run drills. He pointed to me and said, “You, go babysit my son by the stage.” FML

  Today I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my “beach body” as spring break gets closer and closer. My dad proceeded to warn me, saying, “Don’t wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean.” FML

  Today I accompanied some friends to sign up at a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, “Oh, I’m not signing up.” He replied, “Out of all of you, you need it the most.” He then said he was also a nutritionist and offered a consultation. FML

  Today I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me, laughing, and said, “See you in a decade.” FML

  Today my mother decided she wanted the family to go on a special outing for the holidays. She asked me to drive everyone when she got home from work. Later I noticed the house was empty. The whole family, including the dog, had left without telling me. They took my car. FML

  Today I woke up happy because I’d met the man of my dreams at a bar. We shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he’d gone. It turned out that not only was he gone, but so was my car. FML

  Today my best friend slapped me and called me some colorful names before telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I’m also a lesbian. FML

  Today, while at work at my grocery store, I sold a ton of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were “going to bake a giant cake.” When I got home I found that someone had egged my house. FML

  Today, while visiting my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All of them were normal graduation pictures and so forth, but mine was a cutout in which she made me skinnier. FML

  Today the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said, “No, I mean the boyfriend type!” FML

  Today I did my work, the work of my co-worker who had called in sick, and the work of my boss, who has no idea what the hell is going on—all at the same time. I didn’t get a promotion because I don’t work hard enough. FML

  Today, at a strategy session, my manager displayed a flowchart of his employees. I wasn’t included. Apparently I had been fired. They forgot to tell me. FML

  Today I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my makeup done, and $50 on a pretty new dress, all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out that I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

  Today my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother’s name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said, “Sorry, wrong number,” and hung up. FML

  Today my boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

  Today my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mailbox first and noticed that his Wii game had arrived. He sent me home so he could play. FML

  Today I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy, asking me to the prom. I went up to him and said how excited I was to go. He said, “Oh, you got the note?” He took it back and slipped it into the locker next to mine. FML

  Today I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend because I hadn’t seen them in months. They told me that that was a bad idea and they couldn’t fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn’t have any yet. FML

  Today my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex, so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he “couldn’t be with someone who is hiding something.” WTF? FML

  Today my boyfriend and I were in Victoria’s Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, “I wish I looked like that.” He sighed and replied, “Me too.” FML

  Today in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse’s office and asked, “Can I have some ice?” The nurse responded, “Oh no, what happened to your face?” FML

  Today I went for a run and took my shirt off partway through. The next person I saw was a nine-year-old girl playing outside her house. She looked at me and said, “Ewwwwww! Gross!” FML

  Today my girlfriend and I were fooling around, and I was just about to reach orgasm when she looked at the clock and said, “I have to go. Lost is on in twenty minutes.” FML

  Today I went to the hair salon to cut six inches off my hair. When I got there, I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date, I asked whether he noticed anything different about me. The first thing he said was “I see you got rid of your mustache.” FML

  Today I came back from college and visited my parents’ house. There was a new portrait of my parents and two sisters hanging over the mantel. My mom had always wanted a family portrait, but she had always postponed having it done. The painting was dated the day after I had left for college. FML

  Today I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for three months and losing just over twenty pounds. My mom took one look at me and said, “You’d better keep going.” FML

  Today my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie, when he started kissing me. Things heated up, so we moved over to his bed. He was on me, when a hand shot down from the top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and wanted a high five. So they high-fived. FML

  Today I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While I was doing arm exercises, he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, “Oh, it’s just fat.” FML

  Today this guy I have been in love with for two years asked me into an empty classroom. He handed me a bouquet of flowers and a T-shirt on which he had silk-screened “Prom?” I said that it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. He asked if I thought that my best friend would like it. FML

  Today I got my car fixed from an accident, and I drove to a party in a bad thunderstorm. When the power went out, everyone decided to watch the storm from the front windows. Someone mentioned that it would be funny if the tree fell on my car with everyone watching. Twenty seconds later, it did. FML

  Today I
passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step inside, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, “All the sizes here are too small for you.” FML

  Today, at a hard-rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a porta-potty while moshing. I was inside that porta-potty. FML

  Today I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said, “You think you’re ready for a round two?” She replied, “No, but I do think I’m ready for the rest of round one.” FML

  Today I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she’s seen me “walking near her house and waving at her” for the last two months. I’ve been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

  Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My teammates waved and said, “Bye, Pot-head!” They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn’t believe me. I’m grounded now because I have an abnormally shaped head. I’ve never smoked pot. FML

  Today, three days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiancé is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just canceled a $200,000 wedding. I now have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML

  Today, while I was driving my kids to school, my son said, “Why don’t you find another place to live, so we can just live with Daddy?” Then my daughter added, “Yeah, ’cause we love Daddy.” FML

  Today I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling out “Marry me, Abby?” After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for four hours, exclaiming that this wasn’t how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family to see it. FML

  Today I got braces. When we got in the car, my dad looked over and said, “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about boys for the next two years.” FML

  Today I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was a sign outside a jewelry store that said “Engagement Rings—No interest for 12 months.” I said, “Look, baby! No interest.” He replied, “That’s right … no interest.” FML

  Today I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool, a little girl ran up to me, pointed, and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML

  Today I finally told my best friend, whom I’ve secretly been in love with for two years, that I was in love with her, but at the last second I chickened out and said I was joking. She replied, “Don’t scare me like that. For a second, I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend.” FML

  Today I was in the bank with my seven-year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away I heard his wife say, “I guess the father must be the good-looking one.” FML

  Today I went to get a physical. The nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t one of the tests listed. FML

  Today I was lying on the couch with my girlfriend. I looked at her and said, “You’re so beautiful. How did I ever get you?” She replied, “I was drunk.” FML

  Today I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this, I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained, saying I had caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML

  Today I was at a party, and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush’s turn to spin the bottle, so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed toward me! Then my crush said, “With her, it’d be ‘Seven Minutes in Hell.’ Just skip me.” FML

  Today I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a Korean salon. I had never been there before, and it was hard to understand their accents. The women asked me whether I wanted “them all off.” Not fully understanding what she had said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

  Today my wife and I were driving to a gas station. She let me out before she pulled up to the pump because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank, something she never does. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don’t own a diesel car. FML

  Today, for our two-year anniversary, I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

  Today I drove my two kids to their friends’ houses. In my convertible, looking what I thought was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with a group of cute twenty-year-old girls out front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, “Keep driving, Dad. You’re fat, and Mom left you for a reason.” FML

  Today my best friend, whom I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said, “If only you were gay, we’d be perfect for each other.” So I took the chance to tell her that I was. She responded, “Well, I’m still not attracted to you.” FML

  Today I went to visit my grandmother, accidentally leaving my cell phone at home for the weekend. When I got back, I had two texts from my crush. One said, “I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?” The other said, “Fine, fatty, I’ll ask someone else.” FML

  Today I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband’s house, and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave, and she clung to his girlfriend, saying, “Mommy, I don’t want to leave.” She wasn’t talking to me. FML

  Today all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like “an abused housewife the day after.” I was fine. It was the first time I had gone to school without wearing any makeup. FML

  Today I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady came up to my friend, who had been named first alternate, and said, “You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner.” I was the winner. FML

  Today I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “To:” field, I didn’t notice, but it autocorrected to my mother’s address. She just responded, “You filthy faggot.” FML

  Today I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. I looked up and noticed that it was my car. FML

  Today, when a bartender carded my friends, I excitedly asked whether he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, “Look, lady, I don’t have time to stroke some middle-aged woman’s ego.” I had asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

  Today I was at a dance. I was grinding with this guy, when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied, “Don’t flatter yourself. It was my phone.” FML

  Today I arrived at work, only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8,000 from my employer. Five hours later, at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID that was one digit different from mine. He works at another location more than 1,200 miles away. FML

  Today I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He declined by telling me he never drinks coffee. We had met at Starbucks. FML