F My Life Read online

  Today my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing “Never have I ever.” My girlfriend’s turn came up, and she went with “Never have I ever had an orgasm.” FML

  Today I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, “You should know already.” FML

  Today my parents met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time … bailing us out of jail. FML

  Today my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody, “Need a hand?” There are over three hundred students in that class, and I was the only one laughing. FML

  Today, as I walked out of the bathroom, two guys were checking me out. One of them said, “Nice tail.” I smiled and strutted to my next class. As I was about to sit down at my desk, the girl behind me said, “Did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?” FML

  Today I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room because of my small penis. FML

  Today, I was DJing a wedding. The groom wanted me to play a song for his grandma and grandpa. I announced over the microphone that his grandparents should come to the dance floor for a special song. It turned out that his grandparents had been dead for over a year, and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

  Today I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview I realized that the last thing I had searched for with my browser was “ingrown pubic hairs”—and the words were still up there. FML

  Today at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. It turned out that he wasn’t wearing a costume; his eye had been shot out with a BB gun. That explains the eye patch. FML

  Today I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway I didn’t let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn’t know the sneeze would be a “productive” one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse, and saw the giant loogie stuck there. FML

  Today I went on the best date I’ve been on in years. Later, over drinks, we got to talking, and I explained how I came out to my friends and family. When I asked him how he came out, he replied that he isn’t gay, and, oh, did I think this was a date? FML

  Today I took the subway to school, and the man across from me would not stop staring at my breasts. Finally, the train came to my stop. As I got up, I said, “Nothing to see now, asshole.” Then I noticed his white cane as he got up to get off, too. He was blind. FML

  Today I went to get a haircut, and I asked how much it was for a shampoo, a haircut, and a blow job. I meant to say “blow dry.” FML

  Today I went to a birthday party for my friend’s daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read “What our children see in the world depends on what we show them.” Later I found out that her daughter is blind. FML

  Today I got a 31 percent on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from Beijing two months ago. FML

  Today I was in Spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. I was trying to make a point and I meant to say “la pena de muerte,” which means “the death penalty.” Instead, I said, “la pene de muerte.” It turns out that that means “the penis of death.” FML

  Today I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner, just because it cheers me up. Some friends dropped by casually, and we went out to get ice cream. When I got back, I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I’m in college. FML

  Today I was typing up a love letter on my computer—a sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I’m the teacher, I’m gay, and my love letter showed up on the TV screen while my seventh-grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for fifteen minutes. FML

  Today I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me, smiling, so I said, “We’re not ready for our table yet.” Then I realized it was my friend’s boyfriend, whom I’ve met several times. FML

  Today I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly he said, “I know we don’t know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?” I turned to him with a goofy smile and exclaimed, “I’d love to!” He gave me a weird look, turned his head, and pointed to his Bluetooth. FML

  Today my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux-snake stilettos. I commented, “Those are perfect for tonight. Where’d you manage to find such hideous shoes?” It turned out that she wears those shoes all the time—the color just matched her outfit. FML

  Today I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me, and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, which knocked me down. FML

  Today I was driving on the freeway in the backseat of my friend’s car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the “call me” hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out. FML

  Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking at the man using the urinal to his right, my six-year-old son turned to me and exclaimed, “Daddy, that man’s wiener is a lot bigger than yours!” The whole bathroom heard. FML

  Today, as I was getting restless in my psychology class, I proceeded to stretch out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher’s package in my palm. FML

  Today I was pushing my four-year-old on the swing. I did what we call our “under doggie push”: I push her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water, and she yelled across the park, “Can we do it doggie-style again?” FML

  Today I was alone in the break room at work when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried, since no one else was in there. It wasn’t gas. It was diarrhea. I’m wearing a miniskirt today. FML

  Today I was working at the grocery store, and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

  Today I was babysitting an eleven-year-old boy. He decided we should play with Nerf guns that had Velcro tips. I accidentally shot him in the crotch, and the dart stuck on his pants, wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son’s crotch and giggling. FML

  Today I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She turned around and said, “Tell my roommate I’m having an asthma attack.” FML

  Today I was teaching a swimming lesson to six- and seven-year-old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, so I haven’t been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water, one of the boys said, “You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!” FML

  Today I decided to get dressed up for school because it’s my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then I turned my ankle, fell down a muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy birthday. FML

  Today, in front of twenty guests, I yelled at my spouse for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. It turned out that he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend’s adult diaper. FML

  Today I was taking a shower after basketball practice. When I got out of the shower, I figured no one was home, so I thought it might be fun to walk around the house completely naked. I walked downstairs, and my mom was there eating dinner … along with twenty other m
embers of her book club. FML

  Today, on a ten-hour trip with my family, I fell asleep in the car as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I’d had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

  Today my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently, I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

  Today I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing field is a half-mile run from any bathrooms, so I headed toward the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys’ cross-country team ran by… laughing. FML

  Today I went to my new doctor, so I had to do some paperwork. As I filled out the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, “What do you do?” I told her I normally did vaginal but would sometimes do anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML

  Today I had a meeting with my super-hot teaching assistant. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied, “Oh, I usually come early.” She laughed. FML

  It’s Just Not Fair!

  All around us, there are many unlucky souls who seem to get kicked in the ass without really asking for it. We’d be inclined to reach out to them, to tell them in a soothing voice that things are going to be okay… except that we’re overcome by the urge to laugh at their predicament. Which might not be very nice, but, hey, it’s funny!

  Today my elderly neighbor gave me puppy eyes so I’d lug her seven bags full of groceries up three flights of stairs. Afterward, very grateful, she took out her purse, handed me a coin, and told me that maybe this way I could afford to “get a better haircut next time.” FML

  Today I found the password to my boyfriend’s chat account. I was listed in the “booty call” category. FML

  Today I went skinny-dipping with my best friend. We were on the beach and it was fairly crowded, but we got in the water at a really secluded area. While we were swimming, I looked up to see a homeless man wearing my clothes and walking away. FML

  Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilettos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

  Today I got back from a six-month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of three years couldn’t pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

  Today I was napping in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time, so I ignored it. It went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

  Today, for the first time ever, I finally met someone with the same first name as me. I’m twenty years old; he is ninety-seven. FML

  Today I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. Twenty minutes later, when the show came to an end, she said, “I wish you’d let me watch TV in peace!” FML

  Today I gave a hand to a charming and sweet old lady to help her cross the road. Once we reached the other side, she knocked into the edge of the sidewalk and I couldn’t hold on to her. She screamed, “You fucking son of a bitch!” at me from the ground. FML

  Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, “Mmm, this is best meal you’ve ever cooked for us!” I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

  Today I decided to go to my ex-girlfriend’s house to bring her stuff back. We had broken up earlier this week after a two-year relationship, and I’d hoped she would have realized her mistake and asked me to stay for a bit and talk. I rang the doorbell, and her new boyfriend opened the door. FML

  Today my boss asked me, “Can I give you some constructive criticism?” I said yes. He told me, “Your work is really shit. You have no talent, and I can’t figure out why I hired you.” FML

  Today I was babysitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two-hour struggle, I finally managed to get them into bed. I asked them what they wanted before going to sleep, and the eldest replied, “Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?” FML

  Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is and how badly I’ve treated people in my past. Deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

  Today I tried to cuddle Simon, my five-year-old son. He wriggled away and said, “If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!” FML

  Today, although my two favorite things in the world are pizza and beer, I discovered I have celiac disease and can never have either of them. FML

  Today a work colleague announced that she is organizing a party. In front of everyone, she said that I’m not invited, to “avoid ruining the vibe.” FML

  Today I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

  Today I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours previously, and I had watched him shit. Apparently, he was saving one up for when he got back in the house. FML

  Today I was jerking off, and my cat jumped from out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. My attempt to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes … that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

  Today I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother’s vase. I said, “Accidents happen.” She replied, “Yeah, like your birth.” FML

  Today my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words “I love you” hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order, my boyfriend informed him that we’d be paying separately. Happy birthday. FML

  Today my family and I watched the video of my birth for the first time. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says, “God, he’s ugly!” FML

  Today my nineteen-year-old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I’m immature. I’m thirty. FML

  Today a really attractive woman I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML

  Today I decided to give things a go with the guy who has had a crush on me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality, he decided he no longer likes me at all. FML

  Today I’m sick. I got a flu shot for the first time ever this year, and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

  Today I picked up my cat, not realizing he was sleeping, and he went wild. I ended up with several cuts, one on my wrist. Later, a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told the guidance counselor, who then told my parents. Now everyone thinks I’m either a liar, an attention whore, or emo. FML

  Today my grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s disease and can’t usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I’m not married yet. FML

  Today my girlfriend and I broke up. She told me I just wasn’t her type, but she gave me the phone number of one of her friends. Since all the friends I had met were pretty hot, I called the number later. It was a guy. FML

  Today I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

  Today I told my mom I was excited that my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that’s what happens when you get fat. FML

  Today my little sister and I were reading a book together, and out of nowhere she said, “I love you.” My heart melted, and I told her that I loved her, too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

  Today I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied, “It’s not the cat you should worry about.” FML

  Today I drove an hour in a rainstorm to see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job late
r, he told me he was going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour, then he kicked me out of his house. It was still raining. FML

  Today I realized that, due to my recent loss of appetite, instead of losing weight from my thighs as I had hoped, I’ve actually been losing weight from my already-small breasts. FML

  Today I found out that my girlfriend’s computer password is “i_love_mike.” My name is not Mike. FML

  Today, while surfing Facebook, I noticed that someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to “single.” We’ve been dating exclusively for nine months. FML

  Today I walked past a girl in the cafeteria, and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd gathered. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, “Get him away from me!” I had never met this girl. FML

  Today I was at a strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up, flipped my tits, and said I had bigger ones than she did. I’m a guy. FML

  Today my sweetheart came around to drop off some underwear, which I’d left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

  Today I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, “Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me, Lord!” FML