F My Life Read online

  Contents

  A Short History of FML

  Moments of Shame

  Surviving embarrassment, thanks to self-mockery

  It’s Just Not Fair!

  You didn’t ask for it, but you got it anyway

  You Shouldn’t Have Even Bothered …

  You made your bed, now sleep in it

  Shit Out of Luck

  In the wrong place at the wrong time

  Rock Bottom

  Just when you thought you’d hit a new low

  The Banes of Our Existence

  When all that’s wrong with the world is condensed into one person

  Acknowledgments

  A Short History

  of FML

  It all started in a chat room. A few buddies in France got into the habit of telling each other the crappy things that had happened to them that day—what made their day completely suck. The forum then became a blog in January 2008, and we named it Vie de Merde (“Shitty Life”). As interest in these stories began to reach a wider audience, the website grew and grew, and we just knew we had to welcome the entire English language aboard our mission. Fmylife.com soon had visitors from all around the globe. Quickly we realized something very interesting: that the same kind of shitty events occur all over the world, every day, to all sorts of people. There is a kind of solidarity among all countries when it comes to misfortune. We are all in a big, international pile of crap. We are in it together, the one sad worldwide universality in life.

  We can definitely say that it is all Maxime’s fault. He started all this by messing around on the Web, coming up with the concept and then the French website. Guillaume later joined him to help out, and after a while they asked Didier to take part in the F My Life adventure. This is how the whole thing started and continues to carry on.

  We’d like to thank the literally thousands and thousands of people who had the requisite sense of humor and self-deprecation to send us their tales of troubles and strife. It’s become a gold mine of crap and embarrassment, and it’s amazing. But working in a mine, you have to push that little bit harder to extract the real gems, which is now our full-time job. Of course, the joy of finding a new story that makes us smile or laugh is still fresh for all of us. This is gold, people! Keep it up!

  Enjoy!

  Moments of Shame

  Embarrassment, rejection, getting unceremoniously dumped—some of us are used to such occurrences by now and have nearly turned them into a new art form. In small doses, shame can be a good thing; it teaches us to be humble and provides an instant cure for arrogance. If those who have survived the worst are able to tell their story, it means they’re still standing. (Sort of.) Which just goes to show that self-mockery might be one of the world’s most useful survival instincts….

  Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. Maybe I should have checked my pockets first. I’m not sure that having three different flavors of condoms made a good impression. FML

  Today I was at work at the grocery store, and a woman pulled a cart toward me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her, “Looks like you’re going to have a fun party!” She looked back at me and said, “My mother just died. This is for after the funeral.” FML

  Today I ate at a friend’s house. When she left the table for a few minutes, her five-year-old son looked at me and said quietly, “You’re ugly!” When my friend came back, I told her what had happened. She scolded him briefly, and then the boy began to cry, shouting, “But she isn’t pretty!” FML

  Today my boyfriend was lying on top of me and looking at me with passion in his eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said, “You have a booger.” FML

  Today I’m in Spain. In Spanish, I told my students that I was excited to be working with them. However, the form of the word for “excitement” that I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. So I actually told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

  Today while I was out having a drink with a pretty girl, she looked at my crotch and said with a smile, “There’s something burning down there.” I smiled back, but she was insistent. Cigarette ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

  Today when I woke up, my husband was already out of bed. Thinking I was hearing him padding by in the hall, I shouted, “Get that cock in here right now!” A voice replied, “He’s gone out to get some bread.” It was my mother-in-law. FML

  Today I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn’t shaved my armpits. FML

  Today a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked, “Mommy, if it’s not a man and it’s not a woman, what is it then?” FML

  Today I had a job interview at a restaurant that was opening up. One manager asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most people. When the interview was over, I left to find that I’d locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

  Today I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. My roommate walked in on me while I was using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

  Today I had the first meeting with my new bosses. We went to a restaurant for lunch. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn’t breathe. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

  Today I played in a tennis tournament. After winning, I went to shake my opponent’s hand. He didn’t react or move. It was only the first set. FML

  Today I was walking through Borders bookstore with my girlfriend when we passed a stand selling Girl Scout cookies. I saw a box of Samoas, my favorite, so I pointed to them and shouted, “YEAH!” My girlfriend looked shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a nine-year-old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

  Today I had an important appointment for a potential job. During the interview, my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the theme song from Inspector Gadget. FML

  Today I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back. She carried on moaning, even though I’d stopped moving. FML

  Today I went to a plastic surgeon’s office with a friend. The doctor walked in, and before he could look at the chart, he started explaining the liposuction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him to tell him that I was only there to support my friend who was getting a nose job. FML

  Today I dressed in my sexiest clothes (Gucci and Prada, worth a real fortune) to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside in front of the door while I was waiting. The restaurant owner came out and said, “Hey, you! Go and ‘work’ somewhere else, please.” FML

  Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted “Hello!” from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

  Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me and said, “My mother is in the orchestra. Guess who she is!” I jokingly answered, “Umm the fat singer?” It was. FML

  Today, in the supermarket, everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

  Today my wife and I went to a wedding. At 1:00 in the morning (when the cake was being served), we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up, at about 5:00, the party was over. FML

  Today it’s been two weeks since I lost my virginity, and I’ve already had sex with three guys. FML

  Today I received a really nice set of red satin underwear, with a bra, a thong, and a corset… from my grandfather. FML

  Today I fell asleep on t
he train, totally wiped out after the previous night’s party, which featured lots of booze and very spicy Indian food. I woke up and noticed a small boy in the seat in front of me staring back at me. I smiled at him, and then he turned to his father and said, “Daddy, the farting man just woke up.” FML

  Today, as a med student in my sixth year, I spent the whole day in surgery. No one told me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. FML

  Today my watch broke, so I mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A bit later he handed me a really nice watch. He said, “Here, this one’s been lying around for a while.” It was his Father’s Day present. FML

  Today a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got into his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He proceeded to roll up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

  Today I thought I was going on a date. About twenty minutes into it, like a true gentleman, I gave her my arm to hold. It came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: “Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?” FML

  Today my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubble-gum-flavored numbing lotion to have some morning fun. We couldn’t find it anywhere. After about ten minutes, my little nephew walked out of my room crying, with drool coming out of his mouth. He smelled like bubble gum, and his mouth and tongue were numb. FML

  Today, as I came out of a store dressing room, I gave all the stuff I’d tried on to a saleswoman. Then I walked off, making it a couple of steps before I changed my mind and decided to purchase one of the items. When I got back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I’d used with deodorant. FML

  Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so badly it bled for an hour. I had cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

  Today I got together at a bar with a small group of friends. I went to order a drink, but with all the music and noise, the bartender couldn’t hear what I was trying to say, so he leaned forward, cocking his ear toward me. I thought he was being very friendly, so I kissed him. FML

  Today I was at an interview for a music school. When I got my guitar out of its case, I realized that my friends had thought it would be funny to replace my real guitar with one from the Guitar Hero video game. FML

  Today I went home for my grandma’s ninety-fifth birthday. When I got there, she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get that done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, “So she can make the boys happier when she’s sucking on them.” She’s nine years old. FML

  Today I had to give a speech about fire safety onstage at a local preschool. I’m thirty-two years old, and I passed out on the stage because I was intimidated by a group of four-year-olds. FML

  Today I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand, when my roommate walked in. Looking me right in the face with a scared expression, he said, “What’s for dinner?” FML

  Today in class I asked my teacher for a rubber. I didn’t realize that in America “rubber” doesn’t mean “eraser,” it means “condom.” FML

  Today, since I am an exchange student in Mexico, someone asked me what it’s like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, saying what I thought translated to “If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket.” Apparently, what I actually said meant “If you get cold, you can just masturbate.” FML

  Today I sang the itsy-bitsy spider song with a class of thirty twenty-somethings because we’re going to be kindergarten teachers. The teacher made us do the hand motions, too. FML

  Today three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML

  Today I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He is six foot two, and I’m four foot eleven. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him and asked him if he needed a high chair for his daughter. FML

  Today I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle while taking off my sweater in the locker room. FML

  Today my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he’d had this chat with his mom, but I went into it again. After a twenty-minute “discussion,” he said, “So what about the good stuff? Get to the blow jobs and the lesbians.” He’s eleven. FML

  Today my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

  Today my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is an idiot. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

  Today my mother called to say that my eleven-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry handcuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn’t want to visit me anymore. FML

  Today I farted a lot during my exam, but it was all silently, so I figured I was okay. Then I looked around, and everybody was faking suffocation and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as Super Fart. FML

  Today at work a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe department was. I said, “For you or your son?” He replied, “For my daughter.” FML

  Today my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, “What’s the matter, lose a leg?” Unfortunately, there’s nothing funny about asking that question of a guy who’s had a leg amputated. FML

  Today my friends and I went to a bar and proceeded to get wasted. I was walking around and saw a kid. I started yelling, “There’s a child in this bar! There’s a CHILD in this BAR!” She turned around. She was a little person. FML

  Today I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I’m the captain of the football team. FML

  Today I finished having sex with my girlfriend, and she asked if I had started smoking weed again. I said yes and asked if she could smell it on me, since I had recently smoked. She replied, “The only time you can last this long is when you’re high.” FML

  Today I was in the car with a group of my girlfriends, discussing sexual experiences. I looked down and realized that my BlackBerry had dialed the family I babysit for and left a five-minute voice mail. FML

  Today my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

  Today my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, “You’re joking, right?” FML

  Today I fell asleep in my driver’s ed class, and I woke up in the middle of a dream, laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his niece who hadn’t worn a seat belt and was now brain-dead. FML

  Today I was instructed by my boss to welcome the two new foreign business partners because I am the only one who can speak their language. When they arrived, I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, “What did he say?” FML

  Today I fell asleep in the train. When I woke up, everybody was staring at me with strange smiles on their faces. I’ll probably never know what I did. FML

  Today I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about five years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. When I reached out to help him, he started screaming, “No, bad touch, bad touch!” and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

  Today, when I threw my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My pants got completely burned. FML

  Today I was making love with my girlfriend, and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voice mail. At the very moment I was about to climax, I heard my mom’s voice on my machine: “Hi, sweetheart.” FML

  Today I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess seated us. I’m twenty-four. FML

&n
bsp; Today my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled back and said, “Ew, that’s stinky,” in front of my entire class. FML

  Today, while walking through the fragrance department in a department store, a women behind me said, “Excuse me, miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line?” I’m a nineteen-year-old male. I turned around, expecting her to correct herself. She didn’t. FML

  Today, in the middle of a dinner date, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. My nose bled all over the table. He hasn’t called me since. FML

  Today at church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I’ve had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

  Today I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I proceeded to give him my cell phone number. He laughed and said, “Your jersey number.” FML

  Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it, I saw a cute guy running toward me. I flashed a smile and left the door open, saying “Hey” when he was next to me. He said, “The pump is still attached to your car—you really should be more careful.” FML

  Today I got a “save the date” card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really want to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, saying “I got your STD!” and hit Send before I realized how that sounded. FML