F My Life Read online

  Today my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone, and the lady calling said she was returning my boss’s call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out from the new nanny that I was being fired. FML

  Today my boss told me that I had been hired because of how much I reminded him of his daughter. Taking this as a compliment, I mentioned it to a co-worker whom I was trying to impress. I later found out that my boss’s daughter is both clinically obese and mentally challenged. FML

  Today I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect in a robbery. While he was searching me, the police radio went off and the person on the other end said, “Possible suspect, five foot five, thin.” The officer stopped abruptly, murmuring, “Too short and fat,” and walked back to his car. FML

  Today my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn’t find the key to the cuffs. So he left me there, and the resident advisor found me. A fireman had to cut the chain. FML

  Today my brother’s new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was “unique.” A blind chick told me I was ugly. FML

  Today I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked onto my school’s campus, where I got suspended by the dean for “trying to rebel,” got grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and got a “minor in possession” ticket from school security. FML

  Today I was shopping with my friends, and a man asked me whether I would be in one of his commercials. I said yes without thinking twice. Then I found out that he wanted me to be the “before” picture for an acne control cream. FML

  Today I walked up behind a girl I had hooked up with last weekend while she was working at a computer in the library. I noticed that she was looking at my Facebook page, and I got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, “This guy has the smallest penis I have ever seen.” FML

  Today I heard back from my store manager interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called the human resources department to find out if my application was in the wrong file, I was told that I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

  Today, at the dinner table, my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister pointed out that that’s not what I do. My dad said, “Believe me, I know—your sister’s easier to get into than community college.” FML

  Today my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position, saying I didn’t think I was ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML

  Today I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I’ve had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn’t see him, I sent him a text. His response: “Yeah, I know. I’ve tried kind of ignoring it.” FML

  Today my first girlfriend of over three years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. He owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML

  Today I told my boyfriend, “We need to talk.” He said, “I know.” So we met after school, and he said he was okay with me breaking up with him, that he wasn’t that into me, either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

  Today, after work, I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires slashed, and a note on my windshield. The note read: “Fuck you, Jackson. Don’t fuck with me.” I’m Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

  You Shouldn’t Have Even Bothered …

  You’ve got to play to win, as they say. But for some people, success is not always waiting just around the corner. This can be a good thing for the rest of us, because there’s something amusing about watching your peers fail miserably. “A problem shared is a problem halved.” That may very well be, but we’ll stick to the other half of the equation, the one where we pour scorn onto those unlucky objects of ridicule.

  Today I wanted to see whether the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

  Today I was hitting on a girl who was getting ready to walk into the same class as I was. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I had heard that the professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down at a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

  Today, while shaving, I cut myself. With the blade protector. FML

  Today I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

  Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I had met the night before, I asked him his phone number. He replied, “What for?” FML

  Today, in a hallway at college, to make my friends laugh, I was joking about how I’d had passionate sex with our professor. Just then, the professor passed right behind me, reminding me of the date of my next oral exam. She will be grading me. FML

  Today I told myself: “Go on, you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from your computer, go for a walk.” I finally mustered the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I’ve been in an Internet café for four hours. FML

  Today my mistress called my wife. FML

  Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She replied, “Well, you’d jerk off.” FML

  Today, and for the last eight months, my upstairs neighbors have been making a tremendous racket. I finally decided to go up and complain: “The amount of noise you make is unbelievable! It sounds like you’re riding tractors up here!” The woman replied, “My husband is a paraplegic.” FML

  Today we were out walking around and smoking a bit of weed. We saw a place to sit down in a little parking lot nearby. The cops came over and busted us. It turned out that we were in the main lot for the police station. FML

  Today my son looked out the window and said, “What’s that piece of shit doing in our driveway?” It was the new car we were planning to surprise him with on his birthday. FML

  Today my girlfriend and I went to a club. When the song “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé played, the DJ came on the mic and said, “Single ladies, raise your hands!” My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

  Today my husband came home from work angry. He started yelling about how much he hates the neighbor’s kids and that he never wants to have children. Tonight I was going to tell him that I’m pregnant. FML

  Today I had to go to my son’s school for career day. I explained what a banker does, and then I asked if anyone had a question. One boy raised his hand and asked, “When are all the cool parents gonna come?” FML

  Today, at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asian people trying to take a group photograph. Trying to be helpful, I slowly said, “You … want me … take picture?” while using hand motions. The man looked at me and said, “No thanks, asshole. I got it,” in perfect English. FML

  Today I lied and said I was late for work because I had a flat tire. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said in front of my manager, “We should do brunch every Saturday, like this morning. It was awesome!” FML

  Today I was driving after dark and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

  Today I went shopping with a girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend’s parents. FML

  Today, after I’d been looking for my cell phone for two days, I realized that the vegetable compartment in the fridge was vibrating. FML

  Today, wanting a change from the usual pizza-and-Coke menu, I decide to cook. After spending an hour and a half making a beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin, I was sprinkling a bit of salt on top of it, and the top came off the saltshaker. FML

  Today, when I was out with my boyfriend, I walked ahead of him catwalk style. I turned around and asked, “Do you think I could model?” He blurted out, “Yes … for a plus-size clothing line.” FML

  Today I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette, and ended up at the doctor’s office, sick with nicotine poisoning. FML

  Today I won $5,000 on a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

  Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn’t plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. It was still on when I plugged it in with no lid. FML

  Today, while walking in the woods, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal object. I dug into the ground and found a beautiful box, heavy enough not to be empty. I imagined myself rich with gold coins. It was the corpse of a dead cat. FML

  Today I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for thirty years, and he is on the board of admissions. FML

  Today I made fun of my friend when she tripped over a curb. I said loudly, “Haha, you can’t even walk.” Then I noticed the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

  Today I was masturbating in the bottom bunk of my bunk beds. When I finished and tried to get up to clean myself, I hit my head on the metal panel of the upper bunk and passed out. My parents came home and found me passed out, naked and holding a porn magazine. FML

  Today I went to a party with the boy I am interested in. It was the first time I had met his friends. It tu
rned out that he and all his friends are hard-core Christians who don’t drink and are celibate. FML

  Today I promised my best friend that I wouldn’t let her hook up with any guys, since she got an STD a few weeks ago. After we tossed a few back, she led about thirty people in a chant of “cockblock” after I wouldn’t let her go home with some random dude. FML

  Today my husband of nine years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was able to achieve erections only because I looked like a man. FML

  Today I saw a homeless man asking for money. Not wanting to give him any because he’d just spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full Big Mac meal from McDonald’s. When I went to hand it to him, he waved his hand, refusing it and saying, “Thanks, but I’m a vegetarian.” FML

  Today I got caught stealing lollipops. I am twenty-five. FML

  Today I was finally able to get to know a girl I’d been eyeing for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my apartment was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

  Today, I was the photographer at my friend’s wedding. I took stupid pictures all day long. The moment the bride entered the church, the battery in my camera died. FML

  Today I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door, and there was a giant turd in the toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

  Today my overprotective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn’t doing the naughty. The bed was clean. My face wasn’t. FML

  Today I was bored while I was pooping, so I decided to paint my nails. I had to wait thirty minutes to wipe. FML

  Today I was at work at the Disney Store. A little boy was crying, so I went over to comfort him. After talking to him for a little while, I found out that he couldn’t find his mother. When he calmed down, I went to help him stand up. He choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

  Today I was having sex with my girlfriend, and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach. I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

  Today I decided to make a Pop-Tart. I thought it was bad enough when it fell through the grate in the toaster oven. Then it burst into flames. I spent five minutes fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, but the alarm continued to go off. Now everyone who lives in my building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

  Today I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and I told her, in inches. They use centimeters. FML

  Today a toddler’s ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him, as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

  Today I thought I was giving a woman the orgasm of a lifetime until I realized that she was telling me to stop pulling her hair. FML

  Today I buried my girlfriend’s recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see the grave and then came back inside, crying. I hadn’t buried it completely. Its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

  Today I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him two minutes after I left, and he had already fallen asleep. FML

  Today I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she had finished what she was saying, she paused and said, “You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses.” FML

  Today my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play “Guess who.” The second her hands touched my face, I instinctively grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor. FML

  Today I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style was fun; it reminded him of what it was like to rape a girl. FML

  Today my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex, from high school, could join us for an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? It turned out that Alex is also a guy’s name. FML

  Today I was watching a porn video on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. The speakers continued to function after the laptop was closed. FML

  Today I decided to get in shape. I went to the store to buy some free weights. I couldn’t take them home. The box was too heavy. FML

  Today I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help, she smiled. When I took one of her bags, she yelled. She was deaf. FML

  Today I finally mustered the balls to skip out of class early, only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all two hundred people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I went back to my seat, sat down, and took out my notebook. FML

  Today, after a late night at the bars, I got into my building’s elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Excited, I asked, “Oooh, are you still delivering?” He replied, “I live here.” FML

  Today I was taking the elevator down, and it was full of people. It stopped on the second floor, and before the doors opened, I said, “What asshole can’t take the steps from the second floor?” A kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

  Today my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see that he was holding a strap-on. With a smile on his face, he said, “Now, do me.” FML

  Today a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I asked her, “Oh, did you adopt him?” She walked past me and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

  Today I had a sexy dream, woke up, and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk, naked, to see my brother and his girlfriend lying in the bottom bunk, awake. FML

  Today I went on a first date with an Egyptian-Cuban girl. I asked her what language she was brought up speaking. She said that her mom spoke to her in Spanish, but that she only ever replied in English. I said, “Oh, kinda like Chewbacca and Han Solo?” FML

  Today I was driving and stopped behind another car. The driver didn’t move for at least a minute. I got out of my car, yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn’t breathing. FML

  Today I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching Internet porn, I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

  Today I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. My boyfriend replied, “3-D glasses just work for the movie; everything else in the world is pretty much already 3-D.” FML

  Today I spent almost my entire English class turned on, thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is, until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

  Today I noticed that a prospective employer I had been networking with had changed her last name on her email signature. I wished the acquaintance congratulations on her marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

  Today my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I had recorded of my sister’s college graduation. It turned out that I had never hit Record. FML

  Today I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time, with my friend. Little did I know, the effect lasts for around six hours, and I had class at three, when I had to give a presentation in front of thirty people. FML

  Today I asked my boss for a raise. He responded by saying, “Who the hell are you?” FML

  Today I cut myself on a Band-Aid box, while trying to get a Band-Aid out for another cut. FML

  Today I changed the C on my report card into a B so I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents. I spent the entire day perfecting the B’s positioning, cutting exactly around the edges of the size ten font, and I sliced my finger in the process. I was grounded for getting a B. FML