F My Life Page 5

  Today, while alone in the communal showers in the high school football locker room, I jokingly started to swing my penis around. Two minutes later the rest of the team hopped into the shower. Thirty dudes, one self-induced boner. FML.

  Today I told the man I’m sleeping with that I thought my sister was prettier than me. He replied, “Not significantly.” FML

  Today I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed, I realized that there were two thongs there. I didn’t pick up hers. FML

  Today my husband found the box my morning-after pill came in. He had a vasectomy ten years ago. FML

  Today I was doing a PowerPoint presentation for the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation a window popped up notifying me of a new message. The subject line read: “RE: your job application for the post of Marketing Manager.” FML

  Today my husband invited his new boss and the boss’s wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologized for its bad quality. Somewhat annoyed, I announced, “Don’t drink that. I’ll go and look for another bottle.” Our guests had brought the wine. FML

  Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkinson’s disease. I helped her to light up, and she started chatting with me. She told me she had lung cancer. FML

  Today I was on a transatlantic flight with earplugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn’t immediately understand why he said, “Very funny, sir.” It wasn’t trash—he was collecting for UNICEF. FML

  Today I went to fill up my car. Five hundred feet before the gas station, I saw a motorcycle gang in my rearview mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them pass. They were going to fill up, too. Thirty-five motorcycles and two gas pumps. FML

  Today I was walking my son to school. After scolding him for not looking where he was going, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me … and I walked him right into a light pole. FML

  Today I met a guy who said he thinks he’s in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I got home to find my sister crying, because someone had told her boyfriend that she’s cheating on him. FML

  Today I went to my friend’s house to smoke weed while his parents were out. Forty-five minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they’d be home in five minutes. We decided to spray the house with Febreze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush. It was bug spray. FML

  Today, on a crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were fewer people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. I was about to call my friends to tell them about him, when I realized that he had stolen my phone. FML

  Today I was helping to supervise a five-year-old’s birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide-and-seek with the kids. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner, yelling, “Found you!” I scared him so much that he peed his pants in front of everyone. FML

  Today I closed out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a shit. I took my computer with me to check my email. It took five minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

  Today at work I spent three minutes struggling to uncork a wine bottle for one of my tables, only to have the diners point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

  Today I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smartass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was. FML

  Today I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It’s a well-known fact that I’m competitive and tend to hip-check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and Nana. I won. Nana has a broken hip. FML

  Today I was a host during a kids’ event. I started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a low-cut top. Then I noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and the adults looked shocked. Both my boobs had popped out. FML

  Today I was pulled over by a bike cop for speeding in a twenty-five-mile-per-hour zone. As the cop walked toward my car, I flicked my cigarette butt out of my window. He wrote me two tickets instead of one. FML

  Today I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked, “What’s up, lovebirds?” They were in the middle of breaking up. FML

  Today I drank a ton of beers for my twenty-fifth birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. Twenty-five is the age at which I’m no longer covered by my parents’ dental insurance. FML

  Today I lost $200 playing poker while wearing my new shades. It turned out that you can see the cards in the reflection on the lenses. FML

  Today I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, “I can’t find my caretaker.” I asked, “What does she look like?” FML

  Today I went in for my second day at my new internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the voice mails I had left them on Saturday when I was drunk. FML

  Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn’t a good parent. She replied, “Well, at least I had friends when I was your age.” FML

  Today I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment, and I told her I didn’t have a condom. She responded by laughing in my face. When she noticed my look of confusion, she said, “Oh, you actually thought I’d have sex with you?” FML

  Today I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney’s Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed Play, only to realize a minute later that my headphones weren’t plugged in all the way. Everyone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas’s voice. I am forty years old. FML

  Today I saw my friend across campus. I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. It turned out that I scared a complete stranger who has really bad panic-induced asthma. FML.

  Today I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face on my knee and breaking my nose. FML

  Today I studied for thirteen and a half hours, completely outlining a book for history class. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized it was the wrong book. FML

  Today my five-year-old nephew showed me green Martians he had made with his new Play-Doh set. I smiled and said, “Wow! Now, how about some blue Martians?” He looked at me and replied, “How about some blue shut the fuck up?” FML

  Today I was secretly listening to a voice mail from my mom in math class, when I accidentally hit the speakerphone button. My whole math class now knows that I have a gynecologist appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

  Today I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across the street, the light turned green. At that point I noticed that my phone had fallen out of my pocket and had been run over by several cars. I then watched from across a six-lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

  Today I got into a fight with one of my closest friends. She ended the conversation by saying, “My grandma just had a stroke. Bye.” I didn’t believe her, so I replied, “That’s great! Bye.” Her grandma is in critical condition. FML

  Today in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat out from under me when I was about to sit down. I fell, and everybody laughed at me. During the next class I did the same thing to him, and he broke his arm. He is the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

  Today I drunk-dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she is no longer paying for college. FML

  Today I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who, I had been told, was sick. I didn’t know what to get her, so I told them to just send her something nice. I got a call from my mom, who told me I was an inconsiderate bastard. The florist had sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer’s disease. FML

  Today I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend and me. I was in a rush, and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was my girlfriend’s father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I stuttered, “Don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML

  Today I sent notes to three hundred friends saying that I’m having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked them to RSVP if they were interested in coming. Two people answered. They couldn’t make it. FML

  Today I decided to try a new cardio workout video. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room, I heard something behind me. Three adolescent boys were outside my window, watching. FML

  Today I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out “Having fun?” FML

  Today I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted “I’m going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament” to my ex-fiancé instead of to my best friend, who had gotten a better grade on an exam than I did. I now have a court date. FML

  Today I was in an elevator with my girlfriend, when it got stuck midfloor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we’d be okay. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. All over me. We were stuck for two hours. FML

  Today my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, and she sucked up a bunch of embers, which set the vacuum cleaner on fire. After crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up, only to find that some embers she had dumped in a bucket had melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

  Today after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I told him that he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from the ’70s movies, right down to the “pimp-walk.” He told me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

  Today I was over at my boyfriend’s house, and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, “It sounds like a dog throwing up!” He listened for a second and said, “That’s my mom crying downstairs.” FML

  Today I asked a very cute fireman for his number “just in case I need you to come to my rescue.” He told me, “Yeah, sure!” and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note. It said: “911.” FML

  Today I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump-start a car in the rain. Thinking I’d be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car had broken down looked at me, then looked at her friend with concern and said, “I think we’d better call the police.” FML

  Today I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some Girl Scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit. When he asked why, I told him that Girl Scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The Girl Scouts out front were his daughters. FML

  Today I was at the school’s rec center, working out for the first time in a while. As I exercised, a very mysteriously attractive girl kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number, and she responded that she would give it to me “if you can lift the same weight as me.” I couldn’t. FML

  Today the history class for which I am the teaching assistant was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I looked at the note. It read: “I believe in you. —Mom.” FML

  Today a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through, but I saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

  Today I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I’d been hooking up with, and I wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous so I kissed the other girl and she immediately smacked me. I got a “ha-ha!” text from my ex. FML

  Today I babysat a five-year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist, and said, “Yummy! I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me. FML

  Today, during my choral concert, I was helping to turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. I grabbed something. It wasn’t the music. FML

  Today, when I was out walking, a man pointed a camera at me. I decided to be bitchy about it, so I said, “Did I say you could take a picture?” He replied, “No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?” I turned around. They were right behind me. FML

  Today my parents left for work before I had to leave for school, and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rang and I picked up. It was my mom calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

  Today I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet I told my teacher that my Internet service wasn’t working. I told her via email. FML

  Today I was babysitting a one-year-old. She had just learned how to say yes, so if you asked her anything, she’d say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables, and she said, “Yes!” Then I asked her if I was pretty…. She looked at me and said “No!” FML

  Today I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down, and said, “No.” Then she ate the dessert. FML

  Today I met a really attractive guy, who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet, and we got along pretty well. Later someone told me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment. Throughout the conversation I had been referring to him as Wyan. FML

  Today a guy I’ve been on five dates with called me for the first time in two weeks. The first thing I said was, “Don’t expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me.” Then he told me his mom had died. FML

  Today I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making pervy heavy-breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the lights came up, we saw he was in a wheelchair—with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

  Today I was walking down the street and saw a $20 bill on the ground. I thought it had fallen out of the pocket of the man in front of me, so I decided to do the right thing and ask him if he had dropped it. He said yes and took it. I later realized the $20 was mine. FML

  Today I was singing Alicia Keys songs in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, shouting. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

  Today I had to run to catch my train, so I didn’t get the chance to buy a ticket first. When the conductor was in sight, I noticed that he was a young man, so I opened my top a little, in the hope that I wouldn’t have to pay. When I told him I hadn’t bought a ticket, he said, “Close your top, I’m gay.” FML

  Today I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home, but before I could show him, he said we had to have a “talk.” Now my ex’s name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? I’m allergic to the ink. FML

  Today I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke, so I said, “What’s wrong? Grandma finally die?” She did. FML

  Today, while I was out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she’d have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back thirty-seven times, so I finally answered and yelled, “WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?” It was my boss. FML

  Today I was supposed to look at an apartment. Thirty minutes after the time I was to meet the owner, she still hadn’t shown up. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling and calling, ready to scream at her. Finally she answered: “I’m in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me.” FML

  Today my mother told me she didn’t want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, and she said she had heard us doing the nasty the night before. I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and proceeded to moan exactly like my girlfriend. FML

  Today I went for a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me, too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said, “Until your acne clears, we are not together.” FML

  Today we watched a movie in class. Afterward, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull, and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie he had spent five years writing and directing. FML

  Today I saw two lovely ladies leave my neighbor’s house, and a couple of minutes later he walked out. I made the international male “Did you fuck her/them” hand gesture—a horizontal fist pump. They were his daughters. FML